Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
