Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
