He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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