Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
