and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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