I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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