I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
