I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
