I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
