well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
