Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
