Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
