ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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