I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
