we're chasing vodka with high fives
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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