Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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