Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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