Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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