Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She told me I should be a condom model.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
