First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
a search helicopter?!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
