have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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