She is in my trunk
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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