I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
