How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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