Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so let's talk penis.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
