You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
