I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
