dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
