Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
