no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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