I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
