the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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