i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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