Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize