i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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