I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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