I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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