just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
And then he peed in my hair
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