One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
