Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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