It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
