do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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