Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
