im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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