yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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