I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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