I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
