Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
