Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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