I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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