I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
