peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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