just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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