I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
