Yo dont text me then not text me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
