I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
