just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
